Who you gonna call?

If I ever have an accident in my new home, I know whom to call.

Well, maybe not.

We have moved to what may be the most litigious area of the country. The Deep South. You can’t spit and not hit a personal injury lawyer. Or, you could spit and get sued.

Every other ad on TV or radio is for a lawyer who “guarantees” to get you all the “money you deserve.” The width and depth of the personal injury landscape is breathtaking. At last count, there 5,658 personal injury lawyers advertising on local TV and radio stations.

Injured in a car accident? Call Sinklaw!

Slip and fall on someone’s property? Call Michael Hostilo and “Make sure you’re getting Mike Hostilo!”

Wrongful death? Twenge & Twombley.

Business partner has absconded with your 401k and your wife? Query Sautter Forsythe.

An accident waiting to happen? Call any of the 5,658 and you’ll get what’s coming to you and get if faster!

I understand that personal injury lawyers are everywhere. But they’re thick as June Bugs down here and they’re just so darn convincing I want to go out and “accidentally” ram my car into the side of a house.

“That home’s ugly puce paint job distracted me! It wasn’t my fault! I was only going 125 miles per hour. I’m hurt. I need everything coming to me and fast!”

I suppose it’s a good thing to have someone looking out for my best interests, tho.

You know just in case I accidentally happen to be making a photocopy of my derrière and the glass on the copy machine breaks when I sit on it.

When … uh, if that occurs, I’ll know whom to call.

Even if I have to do it standing up.

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