So the latest trend in hotel bathrooms is the baby toilet.
By baby I mean a toilet for a baby.
About three inches around and two inches off the floor.
Just big enough for a baby’s bottom.
I do not have a baby’s bottom.
I discovered these baby toilets a few months ago when staying in a Cleveland hotel.
Nature called in the middle of the night. I hate it when nature calls in the middle of the night. It’s almost never good news. But I answered anyway and stumbled into the bathroom and sat down.
I’d say I hit rock bottom, but my bottom hadn’t hit the rock yet.
Down, down, down I went until, finally, my derriere met the cold plastic seat of the toilet. Or, about 25% of my derriere did. The rest was on overhang duty.
Now when nature calls in the middle of the night, I mostly keep my eyes closed. I don’t want to see no nature. Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I felt my knees tickle my chin. What are those, I asked myself? Squirrels? Burglars? Whatever, what are they doing in my bathroom? Had nature called them as well?
Eventually, my head cleared enough to realize that my chin was resting on another part of my anatomy. I felt below me and found generous portions of my derriere just hanging in the breeze and, below that, the floor.
I’m dreaming, I thought. Has to be a dream. Maybe if I stand up, I’ll wake up.
But, my butt won’t budge. I’m too low to the ground and too old to and my knees too creaky to get up from the baby toilet. I can barely get up from a normal toilet.
Now I’m starting to panic. What if I’m stuck here all night? What if nature calls again? And again? This toilet is so tiny we could be talking dam spillway failure. I’d call someone, but the phone is out of reach, I can’t get up, and even if I could, I don’t anyone finding me on this baby toilet with nature all over me.
I did the only thing I could. I rocked once, twice, tucked my head between my knees and somersaulted through the bathroom door, which, I have to admit was pretty nifty, but, um, messy.
Satisfied, I staggered back to bed and fell sleep.
Until nature called.